“A rose by any other name..”

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I’ve many times thought of this Shakespearean quote ,

 “what’s in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet;…”

I’ve been pondering a lot about expectations I have and those dependent on me have, as well as societal expectations. I’ve always been one to push back towards the “norm”, and this is probably a little bit of that. Although, I feel as though my heart is right! 

I want to shave my hair off.

Ito give some background if you aren’t familiar with my ever few blogs, I have 3 children, one of which is 6 and currently believes she and every other girl is a princess. She directly pairs beauty with long, flowy hair (just like the movies) with beauty. 

I could give 100 reasons for taking it off, but the more depressing reasons are why I would keep it.  Here are a few:

To please those around me(keeping the peace I guess)

To fit in

To feel beautiful

Because it’ll be a pain to grow out

And there the list stops….

I want to first and foremost, to show Bell (the 6 yr old) that a woman is strong, smart, and beautiful, not because of hair, but because of who she is inside. I want to donate my hair to someone who didn’t have a choice, I want the freedom from bad hair days and time spent on managing the matter growing from my head. I want to be able to know who I am with and without hair. I want a journey leading into my 30’s.

A lot of I wants, I know. Maybe it’s all in vain, even though that’s the opposite of my drive….

My question for you:

Does hair define you? How much time and money do you spend on it?

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Stollen

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Hard work, sweat, tears, anxiety, frustration, organization, color, texture……. All of these things I’ve been pouring into with pieces of my heart also; my class, it could symbolize as anything else in my life right now and I might feel the same.
I went to meet with my brother whom I never chat with, and when I returned to my car, my all time favorite bag was ripped out of my car along with the window. Someone had broken into our minivan. It wasn’t an empty bag. It had all of my freshly re summarized notes for the microbiology class I’m taking. Did I mention I have my exam on Wednesday? It sucks to put so much effort into something- only to have it torn away.
Life has been hard lately. I know there is a lot to be thankful for, I just can’t see it all right now….
“Fuck you!” To the thief who stole from me.

Dream a little more

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I’ve always been a vivid dreamer. I get déjà vou, and have for as long as I can remember.
This dream was different. It was real, raw, emotional. I watched life end, and start again. I buried a child. I couldn’t say goodbye. I held this tiny baby, and the electricity in my heart jumpstarted this little ones. I naturally nursed this beautiful baby, as I thought if only I could help her live.
Then snap!
Awake.
I met someone that morning, a few hours later. She just buried her still born this past summer. Heartbreaking, but there’s more. It wasn’t her first tiny casket that she buried with tears. It was her 2nd. Now she’s pregnant again. It wasn’t planned, and she’s due in May.
How does that happen? What does it mean?

Beautiful Chaos

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P1010692These trees are special. Somehow it’s how life feels sometimes as well. Hectic, twisted, confusing, yet beautiful and fruitful. When I’m in the midsts of an incredibly tough day, week, month, or season it’s hard to see the beauty of what’s in front of me.
I’ve been finding that the more I remove from my life, the easier it is to see and feel the beauty of my chaos. I’m following a new blog: katrilorenz71.wordpress.com , she always helps me to recheck myself. She’s the most inspiring person I know.
PEACE is a blessing I strive to have. Peace in every aspect. In our society we are encouraged and pressured to have more of the best. We are trained that we deserve whatever we want. Wants and needs are blurred. More and More of the best yet there are more anti anxiety meds being distributed among us. Is all of this working? I think no. Less is more, I’m sure of it. More everyday I’m seeing that in myself. I strive to find the beauty in between, not to be driven by some expectation put in place by a society so self destructive that it creates selfish generations. I refuse to be the product of my selfish society.

Peace? Quiet?

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Running isn’t something I’ve always enjoyed. Honestly, now I don’t always enjoy it. However, it’s something I’m starting to require, along with yoga and outdoor exposure. 

Why run you ask? Well, because sometimes stress is so overwhelming and consuming that I have to work it out of me. Depending on the level of stress, I pair the workout differently. Tonight it was yoga. I can’t even begin to explain how therapeutic yoga is. This week has been filled with everything except sleep and peace. It’s just been awful with this little one teething. I’m hoping relief comes soon, but somehow it feels so far away.

After work and yoga tonight, I was sorting through pictures of the past. How can days go so slowly yet the years fly by? We have changed immensely in just a few years time. It’s almost sad when I think about how much stress and unhappiness I’ve felt. I know a lot of that is because of those darn baby change back hormones but still. What’s the point of being stressed? Most of the time all I need to do is look at pictures of my babies and remember what and why the hell I’m doing all this. 

They are all worth it. Sometimes my focus isn’t clear, or I’m focusing on the wrong subject. Running and yoga help me clear my brain. To feel balanced again. It might be hard, but having something physically hard to pair with my mental exhaustion helps me. I can’t wait to go running tomorrow!

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This photo is when we lived in Hawaii. I miss these sun sets. One day we might go back again. 

Expected nothingness

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Expectations are killer. I’m learning this as I travel throughout life. It’s something I do constantly without knowing, and as much as I want to I can’t stop expecting life to go a certain way. So if I’m going to be having these expectations from my husband, children, family, job, body, food, sleep, etc. ; how can I change them to be more realistic? Maybe it’s been me all along, and now I’m finally realizing. I can only expect what’s possible from people (or things), in where they are at in their own journey.

Valentines day for example. I’m usually feeling slightly disappointed that my husband forgot or didn’t gift to me despite the fact that we agree to not give gifts. How crazy am I. This year we did do gifts, and it’s nice in a way, however it’s so much pressure by society to give these gifts on a certain day. Was this day just italicized to remind those who don’t remember? Why can’t we just do gifts because we love someone, without the pressure of a holiday. A holiday in which if you forget, you are in the dog house. Is valentines really a holy-day anyway? Geez.

I was listening to a guy on NPR the other day who wrote a book on marriage.

It was very interesting. Daniel Jones was talking about passion vs. love and how you can have one without the other. He talked about the expectations we all have of marriage and what it needs to be for us. There are so many unrealistic, and heavy expectations that it truly is artistic to see people stay happily married for more than 5 years. I know that I’ve done this myself, expecting my husband to be my best friend, my passionate lover, my equal partner, my co-parent, my provider, my fixer, my protector, etc.. Just writing it I feel bad putting all this shit on him and still getting mad about the little things that I should just let go.

So here’s my valentines day resolution 2014: To share the expectations more, and to talk about what I expect, and decide what is absolutely necessary. To be passionately in love. To forgive and make more love.

What is your valentines day resolution for 2014? For you? For you and your significant other? For you and someone you love or want to love?

And with that here is something that will make you smile and in turn to love more. Cheers to Valentines Day!

Under fire

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There’s no words to express the complicated anxiety of motherhood. Here I am with number 3 drinking away my hard earned energy so as if to sustain his own beautiful, exhausting life. It’s easy to complain and see all the negative parts about having 3 so quickly and so young. Why is that so easy? Have I been programmed this way? How do we change? How do I raise 3 littles into successful and thoughtful people?
This blog is my attempt to express my challenges and joys in this journey of life where I will not give up. I will conquer despite this constant fire coming at me. It should be interesting at very least.